1
00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:46,160
"We're in the back garden."

2
00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:47,880
They're in the back garden?

3
00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:49,440
MOBILE TONE

4
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:50,560
Mum.

5
00:00:50,600 --> 00:00:51,920
We're here! What do you...?

6
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,480
Yes, we know you're
in the back garden

7
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:55,840
because there's a sign saying
you're in the back garden.

8
00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:58,760
Why are they in the back garden?
Oh, you're joking!

9
00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,000
Really? Ugh!
What?

10
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,400
You know that stupid thing
they bought? What stupid th...?

11
00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,840
Oh, no.
Oh, no.

12
00:01:07,880 --> 00:01:09,320
Ugh.

13
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:13,560
There they are! Hi, boys!
Hi, bambinos, ha-ha!

14
00:01:13,600 --> 00:01:16,640
Oh, my God...
You really are in a hot tub.

15
00:01:16,680 --> 00:01:18,480
I know! Isn't it great?

16
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,400
It's not great.
Please get out.

17
00:01:20,440 --> 00:01:24,160
Get out? Are you mad? Yeah, it's
gorgeous in here. It's gorgeous.

18
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:25,720
THEY GIGGLE

19
00:01:25,760 --> 00:01:28,320
Are you making a rap video
or something? What?

20
00:01:28,360 --> 00:01:29,800
Well, come on, get in, then.

21
00:01:29,840 --> 00:01:31,600
Get in? Ugh, gross!

22
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:33,120
What do you mean, "Ugh, gross!"

23
00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,200
Your bottoms have been
in that water. Yeah. So?

24
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:37,680
Your bottoms have been in that air.

25
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:39,240
Not quite the same thing.

26
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:40,760
What's wrong with our bottoms?

27
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,840
Yeah, your mother's got a lovely
bum. Ooh!

28
00:01:42,880 --> 00:01:44,520
THEY GIGGLE

29
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,200
Live sex show.

30
00:01:46,240 --> 00:01:50,280
Aren't you making dinner? What?
Oh, no, we're getting a takeaway.

31
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,600
Which you'll be eating
while lying in your own filth?

32
00:01:52,640 --> 00:01:56,280
There's no filth, you berk.
I added toilet cleaner, didn't I?

33
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,080
BOTH: Toilet cleaner!

34
00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:01,800
Toilet cleaner? Well, just a little.
You know, genital germs, et cetera.

35
00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,480
Right, I'm getting out now,
Martin! Thank you.

36
00:02:04,520 --> 00:02:06,600
Hello, all!
Oh, Jim!

37
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:10,120
Oh, Jackie.
What are you doing here?

38
00:02:10,160 --> 00:02:14,840
Why have you got
a great big bubbly bath outside?

39
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:18,760
It's a hot tub.
Hot tub? Hot toilet. Thank you.

40
00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:23,000
And do Jewish people
not take baths indoors?

41
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:28,000
Er, not on Friday nights.
Ah, of course. Shalom.

42
00:02:28,040 --> 00:02:29,760
BOTH: Shalom.

43
00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:33,520
What do you want, Jim? My sister's
coming to visit me later. Sister?

44
00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:34,920
I didn't know you had a sister.

45
00:02:34,960 --> 00:02:38,160
Oh, yes, Jackie.
But she's rather scared of dogs,

46
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,160
so I wondered if you'd...

47
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:42,120
Please don't say,
"Look after Wilson for me?"

48
00:02:42,160 --> 00:02:45,080
..look after Wilson for me?
Fantastic!

49
00:02:45,120 --> 00:02:50,200
Um. Yeah, thanks, Jim, um, but we've
never had a dog before...and...er...

50
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,200
Yeah, we wouldn't really know
what to do with him, so...

51
00:02:53,240 --> 00:02:56,120
It's OK, Jackie.
Here are the instructions.

52
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,280
"Do not look Wilson in the eye
for more than three seconds."

53
00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:08,920
Well, we survived that.

54
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:12,840
It was supposed to be
a relaxing night in,

55
00:03:12,880 --> 00:03:15,920
and then that bloody thing turns up.
Oh, don't be like that, Jackie.

56
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,840
Well, where are we going to put him,
then?

57
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:22,240
"Wilson doesn't like small spaces."
That rules out the oven, ha!

58
00:03:22,280 --> 00:03:25,640
"Or large spaces."
So, nowhere on Earth?

59
00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:27,200
Surely we can put him somewhere.

60
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,080
Outside.
"Wilson should not be kept outside,

61
00:03:31,120 --> 00:03:33,520
"as he has been known
to frighten oxen."

62
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:35,800
Right. Shall we just order our food,

63
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,160
and get on with the bloody evening,
yeah? Good idea.

64
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:41,320
And Martin, put some clothes on,
this isn't a nudist camp. What?

65
00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:44,080
Ow, you bugger!

66
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:46,920
We're getting Chinese.

67
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,240
Oh! Skill McGill!
Skilligan McGilligan!

68
00:03:50,280 --> 00:03:52,240
China Paradise.
Where's that menu?

69
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,360
Oh, not China Paradise.
They don't deliver.

70
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,320
So? You'll just have
to go and collect it.

71
00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:59,880
Collect it? We have to collect
the food? It's not the 1930s.

72
00:03:59,920 --> 00:04:02,800
Oh, shut up. Lazy shit-for-nothings.
Thank you.

73
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:06,120
Can't we just get a delivery?
Yeah, just find somewhere online.

74
00:04:06,160 --> 00:04:09,040
Online? I'm not eating
bloody internet food! Pardon?

75
00:04:09,080 --> 00:04:11,400
Internet food?
Oh, not this again.

76
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:14,320
Dad, they don't actually make
the food inside the internet.

77
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,080
Internet bloody food.

78
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,280
I've tried explaining it.
It's not worth it.

79
00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:21,600
Oh, and I'll need my card.
My purse is in the kitchen.

80
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:24,760
Which we have to "collect"?
Correct.

81
00:04:24,800 --> 00:04:28,280
Master Jonathan, would you get
the horse and cart ready?

82
00:04:28,320 --> 00:04:29,720
Certainly, sir.

83
00:04:31,040 --> 00:04:32,440
Pillocking pillocks.

84
00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:34,760
"Internet food."

85
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,880
Yes, there's a tiny little man
inside the computer.

86
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,800
In a tiny little chef's hat.

87
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,520
GNAWING

88
00:04:41,560 --> 00:04:43,360
Is someone eating the house?

89
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,640
GNAWING

90
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:46,440
Wilson!

91
00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,360
Er, is this something
we should know about?

92
00:04:49,400 --> 00:04:51,560
Sorry, one second.
Have you got it?

93
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,800
Right, here we are.

94
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,520
What?
GNAWING

95
00:04:56,560 --> 00:04:57,800
Nothing. Nothing.

96
00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,200
So...

97
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:00,360
CRASH
Oh!

98
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:02,880
WILSON WHIMPERS
Oh!

99
00:05:02,920 --> 00:05:05,160
Could I also have the sizzling beef?

100
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,120
Collecting our food
from the 1930s.

101
00:05:15,160 --> 00:05:17,080
HE SNIGGERS

102
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:19,880
So, we're basically
just looking after a wolf.

103
00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,480
Evening. Can I help you?

104
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,880
Yeah. We ordered a takeaway.
Goodman. Ah, yes. Two minutes.

105
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,960
God. So now we just stand and wait
for two minutes. I know. It's crazy.

106
00:05:32,000 --> 00:05:33,600
Phone?
Phone.

107
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:40,600
Jim! What's he doing here?

108
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:42,080
Oh!
Smooth.

109
00:05:42,120 --> 00:05:43,480
The pain!

110
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:48,680
Nice.

111
00:05:54,800 --> 00:05:56,040
Good one, Jim.

112
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:58,920
Ow!

113
00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,920
Ugh, he's seen us.

114
00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,000
Oh, God. Here we go.

115
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:08,480
All right, there, Jim?

116
00:06:08,520 --> 00:06:11,800
Hello, boys,
I didn't see you over there

117
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,920
because my hand was in the way.

118
00:06:14,960 --> 00:06:18,280
Yeah. Aren't you seeing your sister
tonight?

119
00:06:18,320 --> 00:06:22,080
Am I? Oh, yes, I am.

120
00:06:22,120 --> 00:06:23,360
Dressed like that?

121
00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,320
She's a very formal lady.

122
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:27,400
Here we are.

123
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,480
Hello.

124
00:06:31,520 --> 00:06:36,440
Hello, my...wonderful sister.

125
00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,840
I'm sorry?

126
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:40,960
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

127
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:48,360
Gentlemen, your food's
just over there. Oh, thanks.

128
00:06:48,400 --> 00:06:51,560
Well, um, goodbye, Jim.

129
00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:52,960
Yes, goodbye

130
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:57,280
That wasn't weird!
That wasn't his sister!

131
00:07:01,320 --> 00:07:04,440
A date? Yup. A date!
Yup. With a real lady.

132
00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:06,960
Bleeding hell. What's she like?
Who cares what she's like.

133
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,720
He's just dumped Wilson on us
so he can get some...

134
00:07:09,760 --> 00:07:11,360
floozy back to his place!

135
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:12,880
Floozy?
1930s.

136
00:07:12,920 --> 00:07:14,680
"My sister's scared of dogs."

137
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:17,440
Right! What are you doing?
I'm calling him.

138
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:20,280
Really? Mum! Oh, come on, Jackie,
he's only having a bit of fun.

139
00:07:20,320 --> 00:07:22,480
Yeah, Mum, he's only having
some fun.

140
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:26,400
Fun? And what about me and your dad?
What about our fun?

141
00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:29,040
The hot tub.
Hot toilet. Shut up.

142
00:07:29,080 --> 00:07:32,200
The bubbly, the...
Nippy-nippy. Shhh! Martin!

143
00:07:32,240 --> 00:07:35,080
Er, what was that?
Yeah, what did he just say?

144
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:39,560
Good boy, Wilson. No, not "Good boy,
Wilson." What did Dad just say?

145
00:07:39,600 --> 00:07:40,880
Nippy-nippy!

146
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:43,720
Martin! Oh, please don't say
that's your special name for...

147
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:47,640
Nippy-nippy!
Oh, God, it is! Please kill us now!

148
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:50,320
Grow up. Everyone has their own name
for it.

149
00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:53,360
Do they? I don't. That's because
you never get any nippy-nippy!

150
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:54,800
Ha, ha, ha. Yes!

151
00:07:54,840 --> 00:07:58,080
Well, your father and I happen
to call it nippy-nippy.

152
00:07:58,120 --> 00:08:00,960
OK. Happy now? No, not happy now.

153
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:04,280
Unhappy now.
Yes, very unhappy now. Ugh!

154
00:08:04,320 --> 00:08:07,480
What does it even mean, nippy-nippy?
I don't know,

155
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,560
it's just what we call it.
It's, you know, cute.

156
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:14,320
Cute? It's depraved. OK, just put
the bloody plates out, will you?

157
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,840
Anyway, Jackie, we can still
have our nippy-nippy later,

158
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:18,720
we'll just bung the dog
in another room.

159
00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:19,880
Thank you, Martin.

160
00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:22,440
How romantic, bunging the dog
in another room.

161
00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,280
Hold on.
GNAWING

162
00:08:24,320 --> 00:08:26,840
Er, I think someone's
eating the house again.

163
00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:27,920
What?

164
00:08:28,920 --> 00:08:30,360
Oh, no, don't say!

165
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,840
Oh, my God!

166
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:35,560
Oh, shit on it! Wilson!

167
00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:38,040
Oh, Martin, take him upstairs,
will you?

168
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,480
Pissing hell!
And not in our room.

169
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:43,080
No, because he mustn't get
in the way of your nippy-nippy.

170
00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:44,240
Ow!

171
00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,280
DOORBELL

172
00:08:45,320 --> 00:08:47,320
Dad's condom delivery?
Ow!

173
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,680
Um, hello, again, boys.

174
00:08:51,720 --> 00:08:55,840
Hi, Jim, er, why are you...
Wet? Yeah...

175
00:08:55,880 --> 00:09:00,160
Oh, well, um, after you left
the restaurant that we were in,

176
00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,000
I sort of set the tablecloth on fire

177
00:09:03,040 --> 00:09:05,160
which sort of set off the um...

178
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:06,880
Sprinkler system.

179
00:09:06,920 --> 00:09:09,760
SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

180
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:14,920
Yes, which sort of made us, and
all the other people in there, wet.

181
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:16,400
Very, very wet.

182
00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:18,640
GIGGLING

183
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,520
So, we went back to my house
to get dry.

184
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:25,360
But on the way I slipped on a worm.
A worm? Yes.

185
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:29,480
And dropped my keys
all down a sort of drain.

186
00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,760
So you're...?
We're locked out.

187
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,040
SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY

188
00:09:35,080 --> 00:09:37,600
Mum!

189
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:40,120
Um, is it all right
if I use your bog, please?

190
00:09:40,160 --> 00:09:41,520
SHE GIGGLES

191
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:43,440
Er, sure, the bog is just here.

192
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,400
GIGGLING

193
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,760
The locksmith man
won't be very long.

194
00:09:51,800 --> 00:09:53,080
How's Wilson?

195
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:55,360
Oh, it's you.

196
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,480
Hello, Jackie, you look nice.

197
00:09:57,520 --> 00:10:00,160
Having dinner with your sister,
were you? Pardon, Jackie?

198
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:06,440
Hello. Can I...? Um, I can't seem to
find the light switch in your bog.

199
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,880
GIGGLING

200
00:10:09,920 --> 00:10:11,440
Um, here.

201
00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:16,520
Oh, sorry. Jackie, this is Jackie.

202
00:10:16,560 --> 00:10:19,000
GIGGLING

203
00:10:24,160 --> 00:10:26,880
So, Jim. Here's some of
Martin's clothes for you.

204
00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:29,320
Thank you, Martin.
Sodding hell.

205
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:33,280
And, um, here's some of my things.
I hope they're OK.

206
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,960
I'm sure they'll be just lovely.
Jackie.

207
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:37,880
GIGGLING

208
00:10:39,600 --> 00:10:42,280
I don't seem to have
any under-garments.

209
00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,920
Under-garments? Yes, you know,
for my...sensual regions.

210
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,600
Of course, Jim. Here we are.

211
00:10:48,640 --> 00:10:51,080
Here, Jim.
Little shit.

212
00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,080
Um, maybe get changed
in the spare room?

213
00:10:55,120 --> 00:10:58,680
Yes, yes. The spare room.

214
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:05,120
So, we'll...leave you to it, then,
Jackie.

215
00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:06,880
Thank you. Jackie.

216
00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:09,560
GIGGLING

217
00:11:10,720 --> 00:11:12,080
Okey dokey.

218
00:11:14,720 --> 00:11:17,040
What a personality!

219
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,160
This way, Jim.

220
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,080
MUFFLED GIGGLING

221
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:21,640
She's still bloody laughing.

222
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:24,040
Wa-hey!

223
00:11:25,840 --> 00:11:27,080
Right.

224
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,280
"My sister's scared of dogs."
Is she?

225
00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:32,360
Your sister's scared of dogs,
Jackie?

226
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,360
Not my sister, your sister.

227
00:11:34,400 --> 00:11:37,680
My sister... Yes! Well...

228
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,080
Lorraine...
Lorraine?

229
00:11:41,120 --> 00:11:43,960
You don't have a sister, do you,
Jim? I have a sort of sister.

230
00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,560
Sort of sister? You know,
the male version of a sister.

231
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:49,760
You mean brother?
Yes, brother.

232
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:54,200
I'm sorry, Jackie. When I saw
Jackie on the computer system,

233
00:11:54,240 --> 00:11:58,320
it said she really didn't like dogs,
so...

234
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:01,240
Computer system?
What, you met her online? On a line?

235
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,880
Your dog's eaten
half our bloody house.

236
00:12:03,920 --> 00:12:07,040
Perhaps I should have
a word with him.

237
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:13,120
Ooh, it's probably best
not to tell the other Jackie

238
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,440
that it's my dog
because, well, you know...

239
00:12:16,480 --> 00:12:19,760
Yes, Jim. He won't get
any nippy-nippy. Jonny!

240
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,840
Well, go on.

241
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:23,520
You put him in my room!

242
00:12:23,560 --> 00:12:25,640
It's your old room, stupid.
But...

243
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:26,760
Wilson.

244
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,080
DOG WHIMPERS

245
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,560
Oh! Fabulous.

246
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,440
Great. He also eats beds.

247
00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:34,120
Oh, Wilson!

248
00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:35,440
Look at this mess.

249
00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:37,760
Hello.
GIGGLING

250
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,760
Ooh... Is that a dog?

251
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:41,960
NERVOUS GIGGLING

252
00:12:43,360 --> 00:12:45,000
Yes, yes, it is a dog.

253
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:49,280
It's not my dog, Jackie,
because I don't have a dog.

254
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:51,920
Do I, Jackie?
Uh, no, Jim.

255
00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:54,360
What's its, um, name?

256
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,120
Oh, Nippy-Nippy.

257
00:12:56,160 --> 00:12:58,400
Yes, he's called Nippy-Nippy.

258
00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,320
Githeads!

259
00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,280
Oh, I could never live with a dog.
Nor me.

260
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:06,880
In fact, I...I hate
and despise all dogs.

261
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:09,520
Bad, bad dog! Bad, bad dog!

262
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:10,680
DOG WHIMPERS

263
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,680
You see?

264
00:13:13,720 --> 00:13:15,680
Is your locksmith going to be
much longer, Jim?

265
00:13:15,720 --> 00:13:17,320
Not too long, Martin.

266
00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,520
Because it's sort of getting late,
and we haven't eaten yet, so...

267
00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:24,720
I know, Jackie.
Um, neither have we.

268
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:26,800
GIGGLING

269
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:30,760
My night off,
and I'm bloody cooking again!

270
00:13:30,800 --> 00:13:33,360
How did I become the official
caterer of Jim's bloody date?

271
00:13:33,400 --> 00:13:35,080
Hands-off! Ooh!

272
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,440
And you, jaws off.
Stay, Nippy-Nippy!

273
00:13:38,480 --> 00:13:40,040
Don't. Arseholes.

274
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:42,200
Hello! Here's the Chinese.

275
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:46,800
Um, some duck,
I made some extra noodles...

276
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:50,720
How are we all getting on, then?
I'm fine, thank you, Jackie!

277
00:13:50,760 --> 00:13:52,880
You're sure you're OK in those
clothes, Jim?

278
00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:56,120
STRAINED: I'm very comfortable...
HE CHOKES

279
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,880
HE EXHALES

280
00:14:05,520 --> 00:14:07,240
HE EXHALES

281
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:11,720
Well, help yourselves!
Thank you, Jackie.

282
00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:15,480
I think Jackie
and I will have our meal

283
00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:18,240
after we've had our conversation.

284
00:14:18,280 --> 00:14:21,120
Your conversation?
Yes! Our conversation.

285
00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,920
SHE LAUGHS

286
00:14:26,080 --> 00:14:28,480
Um...OK, then?

287
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,680
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

288
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,120
HE COUGHS

289
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:42,440
Are you OK? Jim? Have some water!

290
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,120
Pepper! Pepper?

291
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,600
Achoo!

292
00:14:53,640 --> 00:15:00,040
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!

293
00:15:00,080 --> 00:15:01,080
Achoo!

294
00:15:05,560 --> 00:15:08,400
Coughing stopped! It always works.

295
00:15:13,920 --> 00:15:16,360
So, Jackie, do you live nearby?
Oh, yes! Yes.

296
00:15:21,480 --> 00:15:25,920
Jackie? Do you live nearby? Um...

297
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,280
Not too near. But also...

298
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:33,960
..not too far.
SHE LAUGHS

299
00:15:34,000 --> 00:15:36,880
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

300
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:40,760
Is it her turn now to
ask a question? That's right, Jim.

301
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:45,200
Yes, because you're having your
conversation. Yes, our conversation.

302
00:15:46,480 --> 00:15:48,400
Your go?

303
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,600
Oh! One moment, please.

304
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:53,200
SHE LAUGHS

305
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,960
Off to the bog? Never coming back?
It is going well, isn't it?

306
00:15:57,000 --> 00:15:58,000
Very well.

307
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,160
SHE LAUGHS

308
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:01,200
SHE EXHALES

309
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:05,880
Right.

310
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,320
Have you got any brothers
and sisters?

311
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,880
SHE LAUGHS

312
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:16,720
Yes. I have a brother...

313
00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:20,040
Lorraine.
Where's this pissing locksmith?

314
00:16:20,080 --> 00:16:24,080
He'll be...five minutes, Martin.
Thank you, Jim.

315
00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:28,320
I once went to Switzerland!
Ooh, Switzerland? Yes!

316
00:16:28,360 --> 00:16:31,560
To have a special operation
on my bottom.

317
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:35,880
Wonderful. Not on my bottom,
it was in my bottom.

318
00:16:35,920 --> 00:16:41,800
Have you ever had a special
operation on or in your bottom?

319
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:46,320
No, but I was once given some
penicillin for my...

320
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,920
..foofoo.
SHE LAUGHS

321
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:51,960
Sorry, Jim...one second.

322
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,120
Achoo! Achoo!

323
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:06,360
Achoo! Achoo! Achoo!

324
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,480
SHE SIGHS

325
00:17:07,520 --> 00:17:09,760
If you find me facedown in that
hot tub later...

326
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,040
Penicillin for her foofoo?

327
00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,160
KNOCK ON DOOR
Hello?

328
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:17,840
Ooh, sorry, everyone.

329
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:24,280
I just wanted to let you know...
that tonight is probably

330
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:29,440
the greatest night of my
entire life!

331
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:31,800
Really, Jim? Oh, yes, Jackie!

332
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:35,680
I think she might be...the one!

333
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,560
Oh, my God, he thinks she's the one!

334
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:48,400
What, the one that murders us all?
That's horrible!

335
00:17:48,440 --> 00:17:51,360
Ohh...how exciting!

336
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:53,400
Come on, five minutes to freedom.

337
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:56,280
And then, straight in that hot tub.
Hot toilet.

338
00:17:56,320 --> 00:17:58,400
HE LAUGHS
Right!

339
00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,840
How are our two love birds?
SHE LAUGHS

340
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:03,480
Mum?
Four minutes 50, and counting.

341
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:08,680
Oh, yes! Regarding the locksmith
man, it wasn't five minutes,

342
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:12,160
it was 95 minutes!

343
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,480
Jim? 95 minutes? That's it.

344
00:18:14,520 --> 00:18:17,640
I'm going to my bloody shed.
Martin!

345
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,280
Wait...
WOOD CRACKS

346
00:18:20,320 --> 00:18:22,880
Oh, good, the beaver's back. What?

347
00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:24,800
TABLES CRASHES

348
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,760
Shitting tits!

349
00:18:34,920 --> 00:18:37,120
Ooh, there's a bit...
there's another bit...

350
00:18:39,160 --> 00:18:40,840
Um...thank you, Jim. Yeah.

351
00:18:40,880 --> 00:18:43,400
You sure you're all right,
sitting there?

352
00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:45,600
We're fine! Aren't we, Jackie?

353
00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:49,000
Oh, yes!
SHE LAUGHS

354
00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:56,080
Unbelievable. They just sat there.
Is strangling still a crime?

355
00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,520
Shh!

356
00:18:57,560 --> 00:19:01,960
Oh, boys, how are we going to get
rid of them? Set the house on fire?

357
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,280
Not that door!

358
00:19:04,320 --> 00:19:05,360
DOG BARKS

359
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:08,560
Oh, crap.

360
00:19:10,120 --> 00:19:12,400
Nippy-Nippy? Nippy-Nippy!

361
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:14,320
How are we supposed to find
the bleeding thing

362
00:19:14,360 --> 00:19:16,160
if we can't use its real name?

363
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,800
Sorry, real name?
Oh, you little shits.

364
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:23,400
Nippy-Nippy? Oh, great, now I'll
have that sodding dog in my head

365
00:19:23,440 --> 00:19:27,800
next time I'm astride your mother.
Martin...astride? Jackie!

366
00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:32,720
I was just wondering,
might there be any other name you

367
00:19:32,760 --> 00:19:37,880
sometimes use for Nippy-Nippy?
Like, for example, I don't know...

368
00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,760
Wilson?

369
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:47,080
Um, actually...Jim, we do sometimes
call him Wilson, yes!

370
00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:51,640
It's funny...I just
guessed their dog's other name!

371
00:19:53,720 --> 00:19:56,760
Wilson? Wilson!
DOG BARKS

372
00:19:56,800 --> 00:20:00,520
Oh, champagne to celebrate!
I mean, no champagne!

373
00:20:00,560 --> 00:20:03,320
Bad dog, bad Nippy-Nippy!
Terrible Nippy-Nippy!

374
00:20:04,920 --> 00:20:06,600
I'm so happy you got your dog back.

375
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,720
SHE LAUGHS
Yeah!

376
00:20:09,760 --> 00:20:16,120
Yes, I, too, am so happy
you got your dog back, also.

377
00:20:19,640 --> 00:20:21,480
It's your dog, really,
isn't it, Jim?

378
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,600
SHE LAUGHS

379
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,640
Sorry...Jackie, yes.

380
00:20:27,680 --> 00:20:31,520
Nippy-Nip...Wilson is my dog.

381
00:20:33,240 --> 00:20:34,240
I don't mind.

382
00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:40,000
HE CHUCKLES

383
00:20:40,040 --> 00:20:41,520
Aww!

384
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:46,080
Ohh, isn't this lovely? Yeah.

385
00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:50,960
And...sorry, I never even asked you,
Jackie. What is it you do?

386
00:20:51,000 --> 00:20:54,040
Oh! um, well, I was working
as a legal secretary.

387
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:57,120
SHE LAUGHS
Ooh, someone's a clever clogs.

388
00:20:57,160 --> 00:20:59,880
But then I left my job because
I didn't really like the people.

389
00:20:59,920 --> 00:21:01,920
Oh, dear, why is that?

390
00:21:01,960 --> 00:21:02,960
They were Jews.

391
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,200
SHE LAUGHS

392
00:21:06,240 --> 00:21:08,080
What I meant was...
That's it, keep talking.

393
00:21:08,120 --> 00:21:10,680
..that not all Jews are bad,
but the ones I've met...

394
00:21:10,720 --> 00:21:12,320
And here we are! And...

395
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:15,400
SHE LAUGHS

396
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,080
And now...piss off.

397
00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:26,400
She was nice...
until she wasn't nice.

398
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:30,720
Sorry, Jim. It's OK,
Martin, just a shame that she was...

399
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:33,440
A Nazi? Yes, a Nazi.

400
00:21:33,480 --> 00:21:36,920
Who'd have thought?
An evening with Mrs Goebbels.

401
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:42,920
Is there anything I can do to make
amends to your poor, poor people?

402
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,680
Shalom...

403
00:21:46,720 --> 00:21:48,720
BOTH: Shalom.

404
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:51,880
I think the best thing would be
for you to go home now, Jim.

405
00:21:51,920 --> 00:21:54,080
Yes, of course, Jackie. Yeah.

406
00:21:55,320 --> 00:22:02,560
Maybe if I said a few extra shaloms,
you know...in penance?

407
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:06,960
Good idea, Jim.
Well, goodnight. Goodnight.

408
00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:11,720
Ooh, how many shaloms should I do,
exactly?

409
00:22:11,760 --> 00:22:12,760
20,000.

410
00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,800
Shalom!

411
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:18,800
Shalom!

412
00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:27,040
I cannot believe you're making us
do this.

413
00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:29,160
Oh, stop moaning, it'd be nice!

414
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:32,080
What, lying in our parents'
sex water?

415
00:22:32,120 --> 00:22:34,880
Sex water! Adam! Ooh.
HE LAUGHS

416
00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:39,160
Oh! Martin! Oh...God.
THEY LAUGH

417
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:41,840
Seriously, if there's even a hint
of Nippy-Nippy...

418
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:45,120
Shitting hell!
Hello, all! Oh, my God!

419
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:48,760
I thought it best to do
my shaloms in here, you know,

420
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,400
in the Jewish bath?

421
00:22:51,440 --> 00:22:53,640
Shalom...

422
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:57,840
Jim? Mm? Please get out.
Yes, of course, Jackie.

423
00:22:57,880 --> 00:22:59,440
THEY EXCLAIM

424
00:22:59,480 --> 00:23:02,000
Shalom... I'll get the bleach.

425
00:23:20,160 --> 00:23:24,240
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